Staying positive and assertive

The issue of toileting problems is fraught with negativity – understandably! The words and emotions surrounding the toilet are most commonly unpleasant and cause distress and anxiety to the child, and everyone else involved. The best way of dealing with these situations is to focus on what you want the the children to be able to do (poos in the toilet), rather than what you don’t want them to do (i.e soil). So often I hear a parent say in front of the child, “I’m worried about XXX soiling at school/kindy and they will make a big mess”. Instead, I encourage parents to say…. “I would be so excited if you did a poo at kindy/school today that I’ll give you a ……..(rewards)”. It sounds totally different to the child to hear what they need to do, rather than what they’re not supposed to do. Children often revert to “holding on” as a strategy, because they are  associating anything to do with poos/wees as being a negative or terrible thing.

It also very common to hear parents ask their children “do you need to go to the toilet,” which results in absolute refusal by the child, much to the frustration of many parents! This can also be heard in many other daily situations e.g. “can you get dressed please”, “can you pick up your things”, “can you get ready for school now”. A more assertive way of dealing with these situations is to say “I need you to get dressed, pick up your things, get ready for school”. As parents it is essential to use directions rather than requests in situations where you don’t want to offer a choice, particularly with regards to toileting. Obviously if it is a negotiable situation (e.g. “do you want to wear your blue shirt or your green shirt”) it still gives the child the ability to choose. So if you are looking for ways of better managing your child’s behaviour with regards to the toilet, just remember it is the parents who are in charge – not the child!